Self Deception Is Your Friend

I know deep down inside  that I am capable of more than I think I am when it comes to training.   Coaches I've had in the past always say you can always give a little more than you think you can.  Chris tells me this all the time, too.  It's not that I don't believe them, but sometimes it's good to have a back up plan just in case they happen to be wrong.  I mean, at least one of them has been known to be wrong on occasion . . .

And this is where I say, "Self, meet Self-deception.  Self-deception, self."

Today I met Eileen for a swim at Aquatic Park.  We did our usual whining and whimpering as we put on our wetsuits. Eileen is a strong swimmer, much faster than me.  She wanted to swim the race distance today (1.2 miles).  I was fearful I couldn't handle it given my recent swim performance.  So I convinced her we'd just swim 30 minutes instead.    The water was not bad for aquatic park.  A strong drift came up half way through, forcing us to swim a bit harder.  After what seemed like 10 minutes, Eileen appears by me and asks how long it had been.  30 minutes!  We head in to shore.  I'm feeling fine. I surely could have swum another 20 minutes to complete the race distance.  Had I just gone with my completely whacked out sense of timing, deceiving my self of duration, I would have done just fine.

But I have a long run planned after the swim, so don't push it.  My goal was to run 14 miles.  Even though I knew it was 14 miles, I kept telling myself it was only 10.  I know I can run 10 miles.  Piece of cake.   I am sort of amazed how I can deceive myself even though I  know the truth. But it works.  Keeps the self-doubt a bay.  Something in my messed up psyche about my need to not fail or fall short of expectations that I set for myself.  Huh?

Anyhoo,  I set out on my run.  The first 5 miles feel fine, good even.  I consult my Nike pedometer dohickey. 4 miles it says.   So I know  that this device is not calibrated properly  and I know that I have run 5 miles given the route I've mapped out.  I know that my pedometer thingy can be up to 2 miles off.  I know that it can show that I've run 8 miles and I've really run 10.  I love this inaccuracy and failure of technology.  It helps me deceive myself.

The next 4 miles involve some hills and stairs, which I mostly am able to run.  I run by my old neighborhood, down my familiar old running path.  I'm enjoying the grand tour of San Francisco on foot.  Then my asthma kicks in and I have a pretty awful coughing fit for about half a mile.  Strangers stop me with serious concern on their faces.  I'm fine. I'm fine.  I'm fine, I keep repeating.  I am actually turning a bit pale and feeling a bit lightheaded.  But I tell myself I'm fine and keep on moving.  5 minutes later, everything settles down, and I am in fact fine.  Self-deception at its best!

By mile 12, I'm can taste the finish.  I look at my Nike pedometer.  It says 12 miles.  Wait. Huh?  It's decided to be accurate today? It's supposed to say 9 miles.  I start to panic.  I can only run 10 miles.  No way I can run 14 miles.  My back up plans and tricky, inaccurate devices are failing me.   I seriously go into a tizzy for a few minutes.  I can't be pleasantly surprised now by my self-deception.  It's just me and the road now.  Damnit.

I do a check in on my body.  I actually feel okay.  Legs are a bit tired, but they are moving a decent pace.  No blisters.  Hips not really aching too badly.   Shin splints are gone.  Okay.  Maybe I *can* do this.   I forge on ahead.  Run past the Breast Cancer walk crew, get a nice pick up from their cheers.  I run up and down my last hill.  I'm maybe 200 feet from my car.  I look at my pedometer.  13.5 miles. Curses.  I HATE failing, even at ridiculous self-prescribed, inconsequential, tricky goals like this.  So 200 feet from my car, I hang a left and run down this long pier that is about .25 miles long.  Out and back, and to my car.  14.11 miles!


So what's the lesson here?  I'm not really sure.  Except that maybe I need to start raising my expectations for my self from time to time. Or that I'm completely a nut job.  Or maybe both.  And we'll leave it at that.

PS.  I'm fundraising for my triathlon in 3 weeks.  Will you help me reach my goal of $750 to support local cancer charities?  Just $600 shy.