Complexities of Challenges

Over the last few weeks, I've meet up with lots of folks who ask me, "How's training going?"  I always pause and try to figure out if I should be positive . . . or honest.   The usual answer is, "It's really, really hard.  Oh, but I love it."    This is mostly honest, except maybe the part about loving it.    I don't hate it or even dislike it.  I might even Facebook "like" it, but love's not the word I should use right now.  But most folks are just being nice, and don't want to hear about my mental break downs and tales of woe.  So I just love it, and move on.

The reality is that it's not so easy to describe this journey.  Last week we did the hardest ride I've ever done.  It was only 65 miles, but it was 6500' or so of climbing, more than I've ever done.  In the middle of it was a 8 mile climb up Page Mill Road, which is windy and steep.  The GPS said we topped out at 22% grade during that climb.  I am sure those were the times when I thought even while standing up and lunging forward, I was still going to roll backwards.

The team going up Page Mill!

My ride group was small, just 4 of us, and we stuck together pretty well.  We were pretty much all silent on the entire climb.  I kept trying to start a conversation, but you can't get very far with 2 words at a time between gasps for air.  So I was left alone with my thoughts on the 1.5-2 hour climb.  And let me tell you, that was a not a good place to be.   During this time, I:

• quit the team at least 3 times
• convinced myself I was too weak to finish the climb
• wondered if getting hit by car would be better than trying to get to the top of the hill
• swore I would never ride my bike again
• cried alot on the inside
• cursed anyone who every said to me "It's only going to get harder."
• decided cancer wasn't worth curing
• cursed Chris for ever putting the stupid idea in my head that I could do this
• plotted ways to get my money back from registering for the event
• etc. etc. etc

By the time we finished, I was a raging, exhausted mess. And this was only a training ride.  I kept thinking, how on earth am I going to make it through the season and do the Death Ride, if  "It's only going to get harder?"  I still don't know the answer to that.

But when I got home, Chris said to me, "You don't look like the ride killed you physically.  You're walking around just fine.  You energy level is good. You don't seem like you bonked at all."  I was too tired to respond and a little annoyed, truthfully.

The next day, after a good nights sleep and a lot of food, I woke up with tired legs, but generally felt fine.  I went on a short 3 mile run to loosen my legs up.  And while I was running, I realized that Chris was right.  I was physically fine.  It was hard, but I was physically fine.  The real challenge the day before was mostly an emotional one -- a challenge so great that it really got in the way of me enjoying the ride at all and in fact, made the ride even harder than it was.  I'm starting to really understand the saying I often hear around endurance sports that it's 99% mental.

I signed up for this event because I wanted a challenge, which is a weird psychological thing.  I like the feeling of working towards a goal and pushing my limits, but it's also really hard and sometimes not fun.  But that's okay -- I don't have to love it all the time.  It's a type of satisfaction that builds over time -- it's not a quick win. That's what challenges are all about.

So I'm learning still.  Learning that I need to be in a positive mental space, that I find strength and motivation in encouragement and success, not in fear driven approaches, which I need to learn to ignore.  I need to remember that training is hard, but that it makes me stronger -- which will in turn make things easier, not harder.  I need to appreciate the improvements and success I have had.

To that end, here are some thing I should have focused on from last weekend:

• I felt like I improved my descending skills on that ride.  I managed to keep up with our coach on one of our more technical descents.  Granted, he likely slowed down for me, but I felt fast and in control and was not scared.  So that's huge!
• I ate and drank well.  I didn't bonk and my stomach was a-okay.
• The fish-granola bars were tasty (though  no one else wanted them)
• I did the hardest ride I've ever done and I survived!

So that's the update.  It's really, really hard.  And I sometime love it.  Sort of.

PS.  Can you help me cure cancer? I changed my mind.  It totally is worth curing. :-)
And I'm 30% to my goal!